Live Like There's No Tomato

Parody of Selena Gomez's "Live Like There's No Tomorrow"

If lunch came to an end today
And we put the leftovers away
If we could turn it back
What would we want to change
It's time to take a fork
Come on we get to eat salad
The love-apple we will lose
The fork is in our hands
And we will find a way to eat anything if we try to
Live like there's no tomato
'Cause all we have is lettuce now
Croutons olives and mushrooms
The only cheese we've ever found
Digest the food we feel inside
Digest and you will never cry
Don't let the dressing pass you by
Eat like there's no tomato
If there ever was a time to dine
And there were forks but without a tine
Then there'd be nothing left
But the food we made
Et it all that we've got
It's the perfect time
We'll throw it together
But tomato nothing is inedible

Lou Says

A parody of Selena Gomez's "Who Says"

Lou made me quite secure
Told me that I was good enough
Lou's a perfect judge
When you're a diamond in the rough
I'm sure you got some things
Lou'd like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
Na na na
I'm a beauty queen
I am beautiful me
Na na na
Lou says you've got no right
To a beautiful life
C'mon
Lou says you're not perfect
Lou says you're not worth it
Lou says you're the only one who's ugly
That you lack all beauty
Lou says you're not pretty
Lou says you're not beautiful
Lou says
Lou says you're not perfect
Lou says you're not worth it
Lou says you're the only one who's ugly
Trust me
Lou says you're not pretty
Lou says you're not beautiful
Lou says
Lou says you're not star potential
Lou says you're not presidential
Lou says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Lou says you don't pass the test
Lou says you can't be the best
Lou said, Lou said
I will tell you Lou said that
Yeah, oh

My Dear Llama

Parody of Selena Gomez' "My Dilemma"

You make me so upset sometimes
I think that I'll leave you behind
The transportation goes nowhere
Cuz you're never gonna take me there
You won't go where I'd go
And I know you're no ride for me
You won't go where I'd go
Still I know that you're the pet for me
You are my dear llama
I really do love ya
And I really do want my pet
My-my-my dear llama
From the moment I bought ya
I just can't make you be my ride
And I bought myself a whip for you
But I find myself attracted to my dear llama
My dear llama
It's you
Your trips have made a thousand slips
But I believed that we could come to grips
I give you directions but you won't obey
I guess I'm hoping you were born that way
I must walk without you
My legs and my feet
The way they pound against the street
I must walk without you
But I don't wanna
I don't wanna, oh
You make me so upset sometimes . . .

Yulewocky

This is a parody of Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky.


'Twas Christmas, and the Santa Claus
did jangle and jingle his bell;
all heaven-minded was his cause,
and weather cold as hell.

"Beware the chilliness, my son,
the frosts that bite, the colds that catch;
beware the scrooginess, and shun
the grinch's present-snatch."

He took an icicle in hand.
Long time St. Nicolaus he sought;
then rested he by the Christmas tree
and paced awhile in thought.

And as in greedy thought his pace,
St. Nicolaus with eyes of joy
came flying through the fireplace
and held a Christmas toy.

One, two! One, two! And through and through
he rifled through Nicholas' sack;
and he did lift another's gift
and would not give it back.

"And hast thou stole another's gift?
Come to my whip, my thieving lad;
O Christmas day! Calloo! Callay!
How could you be so bad?"

'Twas Christmas, and the Santa Claus
did jangle and jingle his bell;
all heaven-minded was his cause,
and weather cold as hell.

2 + 2 Limericks

This is a throw-away, but doing it mildly amused me.  I had just read a bunch of limericks from a couple books I have a mathematical literature.


A young girl that I adore
tells me 2 + 2 = 4.
      I tell her it's true,
      but what can I do
when she proves to be such a bore?

This young girl says 3 + 3
= 6, and I agree.
      A mathematician
      may love such addition,
but I must confess that's not me.

She says 4 + 4 = 8.
It's something I cannot debate,
      but it bores me stiff.
      My dear girl, if
you'd sing 4 / 4 time, 'twould be great.

Is addition all you can do
with numbers?  Songs have numbers too
      You have a great voice,
      so sing: I'll rejoice
in numbers, and more adore you.

Mirror Stories

As I mentioned below I am intensely interest in mirror stories right now.  Here are what I've read in the past couple of weeks:


Enantiomorphosis, Christian Bök
Looking-Glass House, Lewis Carroll
Cosmo, George MacDonald
Mirror, Mirror, Ray Russell
The Mirror of the Magistrate, G. K. Chesterton
Le Miroir, Robert Aickman
Covered Mirrors, Jorge Luis Borges
The Door of the Heavenly Rock Dwelling, The Kojiki
The Mirror of Matsuyama, a Story of Old Japan, Rick Walton
Of a Mirror and a Bell, Lafcadio Hearn
Snow-White and the Seven Dwarfs, Brothers Grimm
The Snow-Queen, Hans Christian Andersen

On the way through inter-library loan:

The Gorgon's Head, Nathaniel Hawthorne

The Dwarf, Ray Bradbury

The Feast in the Mirror, ? [Iranian]

one from The Jungle Doctor

If you know any others, please let me know.

A Stork in His Leisure

I wrote this in college, but am reviving it due to my current extreme interest in the literature of mirrors.  (See my fiction below.)

    Darkly a star stork
in his leisure, infantless
  and therefore out of work

    broke through my mirror,
flew wings beating in my face.
  Feathered, flustered, unsure,

    injured with each flap,
and remembering how Zeus
  came as a bird to rape

    Leda, I took a broom
and beat him back through the glass.
  I was sorry for for him.

    Now I'm sorrier
for myself, seeing him gaze
  from my broken mirror.

The All Right Man

This is a rough draft.

for Dominic DeBolt

There is a joke that goes: "Did you hear about the man that lost his entire left side?  He's all right now."  We may laugh at the joke, but the reality is nothing to laugh at.

     There was a man named Jed who was sliced clean in half by a metal slicer in a factory, after a friend dared him to lay beneath it while it was off, then accidentally bumped it on.  Miraculously he survived, or at least half of him did - the right half.  Because the slice wsa nearly instantaneous, the ends of veins and arteries were fused and the bloodstream was collaterally redirected.  The factory was right across the street from the hospital, and they brought him in pronto.  The left side was cold and beyond saving, though the heart was yet beating.  The doctors surgically removed the heart and placed it in the still warm right side, and managed to resuscitate him, though he was still brain-dead, since the left brain controls the right side and the right brain controls the left side.  They attached an electrical device called a humes (because it was invented by Dr. Vicki Humes) to the frontal cortex of his right brain so that outputs could be generated and sent back down the spinal cortex.  Skin was grafted from his dead left side to span the gap left where he had been sliced, it was ugly, but serviceable.

     In the time between the slice and resuscitation, Jed had a near-death experience.  He went through a dark tunnel, and came out into a brilliant white light which seemed to come from a throne.  He heard a voice which said, "Half of you is condemned to hell, but the other must return to life.  The time for your right half has not yet come.

     After many surgeries and much time, Jed recovered at least well enough to live in an assisted living facility.  He used a power chair, yet often preferred—because it made him feel more normal—to hop along with a walker or even just a cane.  Because he no longer had a left brain, he lost the ability to reason logically and do math.  Also, he had considerable trouble recognizing people.  Luckily, he was part of the 5% of the population whose speech center is in their right brain, so he could tell talk and process speech, even though he often made little sense.  He depended on intuition to think and make decisions.

     Jed developed many quirks, none of which seemed medically necessary.  At his meals, however much or little he had, he would eat exactly half of his food, at least as near as he could determine.  He took up painting, but would always leave the left side of the canvas blank.  He would read only the last half of books.  He loved to sing, but would only sing every other note.  When he saw a new mirror, he would immediately run up to it and press the sliced part of his body against it, thus appearing a whole person.  He frequently did the same to mirrors he had already seen.  Only then did he seem happy, and he would sing songs without skipping any notes.  He had a full length mirror installed in his room, and spent hours pressed against it.  He had another installed sideways and placed his bed against it: he would fall asleep looking and feeling whole.

     Jed was not a pleasant person to be around.  He hated everything, everyone, and especially God.  He would fly into fits of violent rage.  His only comments were incisive, derogatory or pessimistic.  His speech often consisted mostly of obscenities and profanities.  —Except when pressed against a mirror.  He was then content, pleasant, and gentle.  He frequently remarked, "I'll be whole again in hell;" but as if hell would then be paradise.

Now there was a non-profit organization known as EAT (European Assisted Tours), which provided the necessary aid for people who required assisted living to tour Europe.  Thinking of the new mirrors he could try out, Jed signed up.  All his traveling companions wished he hadn't.  He loathed them and they loathed him.  He was as disruptive as he could possibly.  He regretted coming in the extreme.  He had little enough time to spend with the new mirrors he saw, and most of them were very small, so only a small part of him seemed whole.  He certainly would not have come had he known how many churches they would go to: museums and churches seemed to be all they ever went to.  Museums and churches, and he was never allowed to stay behind.

One day they went to the Cathedral of St. Mark in Presto, Italy.  Jed screeched curses all the way end, but in the narthex he immediately fell silent.  It was the biggest mirror he had ever seen, at least 30-foot square, spotlessly clean and with a perfect reflection.  Before anyone could stop him, Jed was out of his power chair and hopping—without even a cane—over the railing that guarded the mirror, and up against the mirror itself.  They decided to let him go.  At least then they could hear the priest that was guiding the tour.  "This mirror is said to have been blessed by St. Mark himself," the priest was saying, "and many miracles are recorded for those who have looked in it."  Jed did not hear a word.  Never had he felt so whole.  He felt wholly whole.  He was sure of it.  He drew away from the mirror, and the reflected half came with him.  He was whole again.  He was whole.  He fell to his knees before the railing, and joyfully shouted his thanks, again and again.  Then suddenly he grew silent and began to weep.  "What a wretched man I have been, totally undeserving of this miracle.  Jesus, forgive me.  From now on I will be wholly yours."  He felt the forgiveness flow through his body, both sides.  Once more he shouted in joy.  From that time forth he was a changed man, a joy to be around.  Once he had grown used to his new left side, and was able to move into independent living.  He loved everyone in the apartments and they loved him.  He wrote (with the aid of a ghost-writer) a book about his experience. He spoke at churches and assemblies.  There was no greater witness to Christ's grace.

Allilee & Faff

This idea seems obvious enough, it might have been used before; but if so, I am unaware of it; if anyone knows of a previous story with the sames thesis, let me know.

And it happened that on the eighth day that Princes Allilee was christened, and all the notables of the land, including the five fairies, came to the christening and brought gifts for the infant.  Now the gifts of the fairies were these:  the first fairy gave Allilee truthfulness, the second fairy gave Allilee trustworthiness, the third fairy gave Allilee endless confidence, the fourth fairy gave Allilee a sense of whimsy, the fifth fairy gave Allilee beauty that could never be equaled.

Seventeen years passed and Princes Allilee was the joy of the land.  Suitors came from near and far, but only princes were permitted to see the princess, for the king reckoned only royal suitors suitable.  Now there was a man named Faff who was a worker in metals, and he conceived a high passion for the princess and went to the castle to woo her.  With him he brought a tiara he had made her out of silver, the materials had cost him all he had saved for his old age.  It was the most intricate and beautiful that had ever been made.  But because Faff was not a prince, he was not allowed to see the princess.  Desperate in his passion, he gave the tiara, which he had brought as a gift for the princess, to the doorkeeper of the princess's rooms as a bribe.  The doorkeeper announced him and let him in.

     "What do you want of me?" Princess Allilee asked.

     Faff had never seen the princess up close, and she was even more beautiful than he had realized.  He determined in his heart he must marry her.  Knowing he may never be allowed to see her again, he stated his case bluntly, "I want to marry you."

     The princess laughed outright.  "You?  You smell of sweat, you are swarthy, your skin is rough, you have bad breath, you have bad teeth, and you are certainly no prince.  Go away.  I never want to see you again.  How could you even imagine marrying beauty that can never be equaled."

     Being so spurned, Faff cried in his outrage, "No great loss!  I know a hundred girls as beautiful as you."

     "Show me one!" Princess Allilee exclaimed.  Knowing her beauty could never be equaled, she added, "show me even one girl as beautiful as me, and I will marry you.  Now leave before I call the guards.

     Faff went home crushed.  None of his familiar things could comfort him.  He concentrated on his work, for only this could give him a little ease.  And so day passed on to day.  Then one day, while burnishing some brass bowls he was making for a local merchant, he noticed his reflection in one of them; and he noticed the more they were burnished, the clearer the reflection grew.  The words of the princess came back to him, "Show me even one girl as beautiful as me . . ."  He knew what to do.  He took a sheet of brass and burnished it as brass had never been burnished before.  When at last it gave a perfect reflection, he went once more to see the princess.

     At first the doorkeeper (a different one than before) would not admit him, but Faff so dazzled him with the sheet of brass that he announced him as a wizard and let him in.  The princess looked at him.  "Oh, it's you again," she said.  "You're not really a wizard, are you?"

     "I am not," Faff answered.  "I have come to claim your hand in marriage."

     "Get out," the princess ordered.

     "One moment, your majesty," Faff said.  "It is said you always keep your word."

     "That is true," the princess answered.

     "If you recall, you told me you would marry me if I should show you a girl as beautiful as yourself."

     "That is true," the princess answered, "but it is well known that at my christening I was given beauty that could never be equaled."

     "And yet, see this . . ." Faff said, disrobing the mirror.

     The princess gasped.  "I have never seen such beauty!" she exclaimed.  (She had, of course, never seen herself.)  She gathered her wits.  "And yet, the Fairy's gift . . . I must be more beautiful."

     "How can you be more beautiful than yourself?" Faff said, "For it is yourself you see.  But you are as beautiful as yourself, and I have shown you yourself, so keep your word and marry me."

     Princess Allilee, true to her word, married Faff.  After the king's death, they became co-rulers of the realm, as Queen and King.  As for Queen Allilee, she was truthful and trustworthy, but no fairy had given her the gift of wisdom or compassion or charity or goodness—and she was greatly lacking in these traits.  As for King Faff, he was a clever ruler, but not a wise one; he was quick to anger, eager to boast, and hasty in his judgments; he despised laborers because they reminded him of his origins; he was admired for nothing but his wit.  Theoretically, as co-rulers, Queen Allilee and King Faff had equal authority; yet they seldom agreed, which caused continual conflict in the realm, as some followed one and some the other.  Queen Allilee and King Faff died the same day, slaughtered by bandits who plundered their carriage.  There was much rejoicing at their deaths.

     And that's how the mirror was invented.

And it happened that on the eighth day that Princes Allilee was christened, and all the notables of the land, including the five fairies, came to the christening and brought gifts for the infant.  Now the gifts of the fairies were these:  the first fairy gave Allilee truthfulness, the second fairy gave Allilee trustworthiness, the third fairy gave Allilee endless confidence, the fourth fairy gave Allilee a sense of whimsy, the fifth fairy gave Allilee beauty that could never be equaled.

Seventeen years passed and Princes Allilee was the joy of the land.  Suitors came from near and far, but only princes were permitted to see the princess, for the king reckoned only royal suitors suitable.  Now there was a man named Faff who was a worker in metals, and he conceived a high passion for the princess and went to the castle to woo her.  With him he brought a tiara he had made her out of silver, the materials had cost him all he had saved for his old age.  It was the most intricate and beautiful that had ever been made.  But because Faff was not a prince, he was not allowed to see the princess.  Desperate in his passion, he gave the tiara, which he had brought as a gift for the princess, to the doorkeeper of the princess's rooms as a bribe.  The doorkeeper announced him and let him in.

     "What do you want of me?" Princess Allilee asked.

     Faff had never seen the princess up close, and she was even more beautiful than he had realized.  He determined in his heart he must marry her.  Knowing he may never be allowed to see her again, he stated his case bluntly, "I want to marry you."

     The princess laughed outright.  "You?  You smell of sweat, you are swarthy, your skin is rough, you have bad breath, you have bad teeth, and you are certainly no prince.  Go away.  I never want to see you again.  How could you even imagine marrying beauty that can never be equaled."

     Being so spurned, Faff cried in his outrage, "No great loss!  I know a hundred girls as beautiful as you."

     "Show me one!" Princess Allilee exclaimed.  Knowing her beauty could never be equaled, she added, "show me even one girl as beautiful as me, and I will marry you.  Now leave before I call the guards.

     Faff went home crushed.  None of his familiar things could comfort him.  He concentrated on his work, for only this could give him a little ease.  And so day passed on to day.  Then one day, while burnishing some brass bowls he was making for a local merchant, he noticed his reflection in one of them; and he noticed the more they were burnished, the clearer the reflection grew.  The words of the princess came back to him, "Show me even one girl as beautiful as me . . ."  He knew what to do.  He took a sheet of brass and burnished it as brass had never been burnished before.  When at last it gave a perfect reflection, he went once more to see the princess.

     At first the doorkeeper (a different one than before) would not admit him, but Faff so dazzled him with the sheet of brass that he announced him as a wizard and let him in.  The princess looked at him.  "Oh, it's you again," she said.  "You're not really a wizard, are you?"

     "I am not," Faff answered.  "I have come to claim your hand in marriage."

     "Get out," the princess ordered.

     "One moment, your majesty," Faff said.  "It is said you always keep your word."

     "That is true," the princess answered.

     "If you recall, you told me you would marry me if I should show you a girl as beautiful as yourself."

     "That is true," the princess answered, "but it is well known that at my christening I was given beauty that could never be equaled."

     "And yet, see this . . ." Faff said, disrobing the mirror.

     The princess gasped.  "I have never seen such beauty!" she exclaimed.  (She had, of course, never seen herself.)  She gathered her wits.  "And yet, the Fairy's gift . . . I must be more beautiful."

     "How can you be more beautiful than yourself?" Faff said, "For it is yourself you see.  But you are as beautiful as yourself, and I have shown you yourself, so keep your word and marry me."

     Princess Allilee, true to her word, married Faff.  After the king's death, they became co-rulers of the realm, as Queen and King.  As for Queen Allilee, she was truthful and trustworthy, but no fairy had given her the gift of wisdom or compassion or charity or goodness—and she was greatly lacking in these traits.  As for King Faff, he was a clever ruler, but not a wise one; he was quick to anger, eager to boast, and hasty in his judgments; he despised laborers because they reminded him of his origins; he was admired for nothing but his wit.  Theoretically, as co-rulers, Queen Allilee and King Faff had equal authority; yet they seldom agreed, which caused continual conflict in the realm, as some followed one and some the other.  Queen Allilee and King Faff died the same day, slaughtered by bandits who plundered their carriage.  There was much rejoicing at their deaths, and the chief of the bandits who killed them was made king.

     And that's how the mirror was invented.

The Gospel of Henry Kelsen

I wrote this after reading some stories of Jorge Luis Borges.

The Gospel of Henry Kelsen contains no moral dicta or spiritual teaching of its hero, no miracles or moral actions, or—for that matter—immoral ones.  It claims neither that he did nor that he did not do any such; it is silent on the subject.  It gives but a hint as to whether he was wise or foolish, compassionate or cruel, industrious or lazy.  It says nothing of his religion.  One can gather very little of the outline of his life from it.  The language that he uses is that of the 20th century American Midwest, and a few references to cars, weather, etc., are congruent with this.  It is apparent that he lived to a fairly old age, though how he dies is not mentioned.  So much could be said as to what this Gospel does not contain, that the reader might wonder what it does contain.  The first few verses will demonstrate the general tenor:

1.  The Gospel of Henry Kelsen according to Anne Bifford.

2.  One Monday Henry ate a sandwich for lunch, and the following day a casserole.

3.  He at times heard the noise of television.

4.  While he was out walking, it began to rain, but later the sun came out.

5.  He met a boy who said, "Hi."  "Hi," Henry replied.

6.  Henry crossed the street.

7.  No one knows how often Henry crossed a bridge.

And so on through four long chapters.  There is nothing particularly notable in any of these, though it does not preclude the possibility that he did something notable.  Not even the Kelsenists take any of this as metaphorical or metaphysical.  The only remarkable thing about this Gospel is that the Kelsenists consider it their sole Holy Scripture, and believe that Henry Kelsen was God.