The Mad Caroler's Song

This is a parody of Lewis Carroll's Mad Gardener's Song from Sylvie and Bruno.

He thought he saw a plate of ham
    To cause his stomach strife:
He looked again and found it was
    A present from his wife.
"If it is only cheese," he said,
    "I'll use my pocket-knife."

He thought he saw a stocking hung
    Up from the chimney-piece:
He looked again and found it was
    The sister of his niece.
"Were she but filled with sweets," he said,
    "Her size would much increase!"

He thought he saw a Christmas tree
    Lighted for Halloween:
He looked again and found it was
    A rag with which to clean.
"The one thing I regret," he said,
    "Is that it is not green!"

He thought he saw a snowman dance
    Beneath a magic hat:
He looked again and found it was
    A grinning Cheshire cat.
"If this should melt away," he said,
    "The mouse will stir, not scat!"

He thought he saw a Santa Claus
    Ringing a silver bell:
He looked again and found it was
    A covered wishing well.
"Were I to give a coin," he said,
    "There's nobody to tell!"

He thought he saw a maiden fair
    Beneath the mistle-toe:
He looked again and found it was
    Some wild oats to sow.
"A kiss is but a kiss," he said,
    "And yet I'll tell her no!"

He thought he saw three sailing ships
    That shared a single hold:
He looked again and found it was
    A saint merry as old.
"You'd best be getting home," he said,
    "The nights are very cold!"

He thought he saw that rotund saint
    Out from his chimney fall:
He looked again and found it was
    An India rubber ball.
"It's big and red indeed," he said,
    "But brings no gift at all!"

He thought he saw an argument
    That Plato might propose:
He looked again and found it was
    A reindeer's shiny nose.
"Should that prove bright indeed," he said,
    "To show it only goes!"